Black Women: Dating White Men

This blog was motivated by a video that I watched on YouTube. It was about a discussion of a black woman who wanted to date white men, but scared that they would not be able to date her because she speaks 'slang'. They advised her to improve herself in order to date the men that she wanted, essentially a white man. This got me thinking, should this woman change herself to meet white men. For me the whole concept of changing yourself for a man does not sit right. Why should she change herself to meet a man let along a white man. Why shouldn't a man accept her for who she is and secondly why should she treat white men as a 'special' class.

I think this notion that black women should somehow change themselves to appeal to white men comes from this propaganda that we have been witnessing for the last few years. Specifically, 'black women are the least reached out to on online dating', 'black women are ugly' 'black women are the least likely to get married' ect. All this propaganda gives the illusion that black women are somehow inherently defective. They need to change themselves and accept anything they can get. Black women do not stoop this low to meet any man for a matter of fact. I rather be single than lower my standard and self-respect to meet a man. I will be honest right now, yes according to the media we are undesirable, but we need to understand who we are dealing with. Quite frankly, the media is racist, period. We are talking about people that have consistently excluded black women from the public eye; we are talking about people that only present negative images about black women. We live in a white supremacy society hence that is why we have research that reinforces what the media perpetuates. Therefore, when it comes to particular issues like this we need to look at them in a white supremacy context. Things do not just happen in the white supremacy society, every move is calculated. The white supremacy society works to protect its own self-interest. White people have always brutalized and discriminated against black people for their self-gain. Therefore, we need to be realistic; whites will not do anything on their expense. Let’s be honest Black women pose a threat to white women or any other race of women. Black women on their best are the biggest competition, this is the reason we rare see beautiful, confident and intelligent black women in the public eye, yet again this is not by mistake. If we saw these types of women, all races of men would strongly consider black women, no doubt about that. Nevertheless, what we see is negative images of black women in order for other people to form negative images about black women but also for black women to feel bad about themselves.

All that information gives a good analysis of what is currently going on but what we need to focus on is ourselves. This is not the time to feel bad and feel pitiful, but time to get BETTER, because ultimately the most important thing is your happiness. And it starts by not lowering your standard for any man, how can you truly love yourself if you think that you are not good enough for somebody else. We need to go back to really who we are; it is knowing that you deserve anything. We need to understand that this black skin that we have is a blessing, God blessed us with this skin (this was NEVER given to us as a mistake as white people would like us to think). Really get rid of any 'white supremacy conditioning', would suggest start by watching 'hidden colours', reading Francis Cress Welsing's work and Dr. Chancellor Williams. Second thing is we need to get in touch with our sexuality and sensuality. PLEASE do not be ashamed by this, this is a natural part of who we are as women. We as black women have a natural sense of femininity and rhythm. Be comfortable with your femininity and our sense of rhythm, this should be reflected in the way we walk (and other elements also), have you seen a black women with this confidence walking down the street, then you know what I mean.

When you show you sensuality and feel comfortable with your sexuality everyone will look, women will give you negative looks, surprisingly enough, even some black women. The negative response comes from the idea that black women should only be mammies and not show their sensuality in public. We need to understand no woman can pull off sexy than a black woman, hence you will get looks. Therefore, certain people in society will feel uncomfortable. Other people’s insecurities shouldn’t be our concern; it is about you feeling comfortable in your skin. The most important thing I need to emphasise is being uncomfortable in your skin and for us as black women it really starts by weeding out all the brainwashing that has happen. We need to become better, being unapologetically comfortable in our beauty.
 

Is it racist to say that I wouldn’t generally go for a black or white person?

One of the British Big Brother contestant on this year’s season stated she would go for dark skin but not black. She further stated that she wouldn’t generally go for black guys. When approach by a fellow contestant about her statement, who happens to be a black woman, she said "that’s my preference, you probably wouldn’t go for a white guy". When I heard this two things popped up in my head. One being, was what she said just a matter of preference or actually racist? Secondly, why did she assume that her black housemate wouldn't go out with a white guy? 

With the first question I think it is important to know that people do have preferences. To me race is not a qualification to how attractive someone is to me. If you are hot you are hot. But that said, I know people who prefer a particular race. I do not think there is anything wrong with preference; the issue only comes when we determine our preference based on the media’s portrayal of certain races. If the big brother contestant genuinely does not find black men attractive without any particular negative feelings towards black men as a whole then fair enough. Preference is fine as long as there are no negative racial attitudes towards that particular group.    

With the second element I am particularly interested in 'why' she said the other housemate, the black woman, would not go out with a white man. Do people generally assume that you would not go out with a particular race because you belong to a different race? This makes me wonder do people generally think I could not go out with a white man because I am black. Can this explain why white men do not approach me? Yesterday I was in a shop and noticed that a man was looking at me, but didn't say anything. This is generally the experience I have had with white men.

Would you date somebody that is celibate?

In our society sex is given a lot of weight. Sex is no longer limited to an expression of love to another person. It is something that people do when they feel like it. It is more about fulfilling your desire.  In relationships it is one of the important aspects of a relationship.  It can restore a relationship by drawing people together. However, it can also lead to sexual infidelity. Therefore, given the importance we place on sex, if you meet somebody that is not willing to have sex, would you still consider dating that person? A celibate person may decide to wait until they get married or when they believe it is the right time. Would you still be willing to date them? 

In our sexualised society, where we see sex as imperative in a relationship, it is impossible to even see people who would entertain that thought. Most sexually active people have the view that sex is something they wouldn’t wait for, especially men. Being truthfully honest a lot of men say that they would not date a celibate woman or even a woman who was a virgin. Not saying that women don’t have the same view but it is more prevalent among men. If you are sexually active, you enjoy having sex and sex is a key part of the relationships you form, it makes sense that you would not want to date somebody who is celibate. If you meet somebody and you like them, and the next thing they say is that ‘I AM CELIBATE’, you would run out of there like a bullet. To some extent that is understandable, we are all humans and have hormones, so sex is important;  but the question is to what extent should overshadow mental sex?

Me personally I like the whole courtship idea. Get to know somebody. Simulate each other mentally and spiritually. Have intelligent conversations, bit of banter, flirting and bring out different sides of our personality.  In my view a relationship can be enjoyed without sex. Getting to somebody before sex is more important. Sex is good but it is even better when you wait.

The good thing about getting to know somebody first is that when you finally get there it will be far more intense. Sex in that case will be more meaningful. The pleasure of getting to know each other is like a starter to get your palate ready for the main course, so when that main course comes it will be even sweeter. But how longer would you be willing to wait? How long is too long? Marriage? 10 years?  5 years?  3 years?  Or maybe it depends on the person, whether you think the person is special enough for you to want for. I guess if the person is special enough you would be willing to wait even for marriage?   

Why are white men reluctant to approach black women?

I am a black woman, in my mid 20s; I have lived most of my adult life in England. I just find it a bit strange that when a white man finds me attractive and I also find him to be attractive, he will not approach me or even at least say hi. With Asian men or black men I have had similar experiences, but also had the flip side of the situation, where they have approached me. Whereas with white men I can only count on one hand the amount of white men that have come up to me, given the majority of men in England are white.  Is this not strange?

Let me give an example. I saw this guy at my university. When we first fisted our eyes on each other you would tell and feel the chemistry. It was amazing. He is very attractive, dark hair, nice eyes, nice height (am short), well dress, nice physic. You could also tell that he found me attractive, when we made eye contact it was intense, we were in a lift with a lot of people but it just felt like it was me and him. When I looked away, then looked back he was looking at me. Based on this strong connection I assumed he would say something, but it never happened. I have traditional values, so I am not a kind of person who would pursue a man; I like a man to lead. So in that moment I took actions into my hands and said something to see whether he would take the conversation further. I was going for a lecture and genuinely wanted to know what time it was, so I asked him. He replied and we both went our separate ways. After that, I then thought maybe he was not attracted to me or I did something that turned him off. Told myself, his loss and forgot about it as you usually do. But then I saw him other day, we exchanged glances, yet again you could feel the physical chemistry. But again he didn’t say anything. Every time we saw each other it was evident there was an attraction. But he did not make an attempt to take it further than the attraction that was there. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think physical attraction is enough for any form of a romantic relationship but it is a door to get to know somebody further. How would you know if you have things in common with somebody if you don’t speak to them? To me it is just a bit strange, he seemed to be so attracted to me, yet even though he had so many opportunities to approach me, he never did. Let me take another example, same scenario, but in this case the guy was black. One day this guy came up to me and said hi, even though we did not take the conversation further at least he acted upon his feelings. For whatever reason he never approached me, to me it seems as if British white men are reluctant to approach black women. I have had countless similar experiences with British white men.  Is this just me or does this happen to other black women? And if so why are white British men reluctant to approach black women?

*I would like to get a bit of insight into why this is the case, especially from British white men.